i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
