he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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