do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
