A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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