Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
