if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
