Don't make out with my wife yet
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
pray to the hookup gods
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize