The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
