Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
