I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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