sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
