I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
