Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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