I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
