so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
