she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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