my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
