I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
