Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
