i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
