My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
