Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
