I can tuck mytits in my pants
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
