I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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