i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
