sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
