did you get engaged???
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
