I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
