Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
