so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
