My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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