one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
