My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
