saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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