This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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