if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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