I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
