i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Randomize
