I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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