how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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