You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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