I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
