I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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