This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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