I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
