After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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