nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
