dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She bit a glass in half.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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