god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
