literally had 100 drinks last night.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
