Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize