After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
