Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
