I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize