After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize