Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
