You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
